Narinda Heng,

So I’ve come back from my mini sabbatical.  I am watching V For Vendetta (finally by myself without those glaring eyes from Richard [long story about him and his insecurities]) and going over part of V’s speech in my mind that not only reminds me of The Undeniables, The Gun Shop, Break The Silence, etc…  It makes me think of our conversations and you.  I think we had a conversation, or some sort of mutual agreement on the power of words.  I also considered our conversations where I admitted to you my reluctance about performing my more angry political work at Break The Silence – feeling that the message is long lost among many politically apathetic minds and only connecting with very few knowledgeable minds (such as yours).  And this is what brought me back to write this before the next session:

There are of course those who do not want us to speak… Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn’t there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission.  – V

You yourself analyzed and informed other about the power struggle between the people and the government, as well as their abuse of power with the use of power of S 1959.

But anyways, let’s start from the beginning.  Though tired and frazzled, I can get the hang of that chronological pattern for writing that makes things some much easier.

Before we actually met, I remember some of your work that you read and was quite entranced.  Honestly.  It was your presence, your appearance, and your control of your words and the stage.  I found you captivating.  I was sitting with a couple friends on the floor seating for Break The Silence, working on some random scribbles/pieces that drifted through the day and had to stop when I heard you.  There were other artists that happened to be quite good, but I wanted to give you my full attention to see if there was anything that I could find inspirational.

Along with amazing people and first impressions comes equally if not better conversations.  And the few we’ve shared have all been influential (only word I could think of to explain it.  I swear.).  I am surprised I checked out The Undeniables, but am quite happy now that I did.  So thank you for persuading/inviting me.  We’ve enjoyed and shared a good meal (and I couldn’t believe how Ish handled that dish), good hookah and great conversation topics – ie: San Fran., women, cigarettes, poetry, life, culture, politics/society’s demise (in my opinion xD ) and now we get to share another session together.  Though I came in towards the end of this one, I can’t wait to see where the next one goes.

As it happens I think I’m going to give correspondence one more chance.  While challenging, it doesn’t scare the shit out of me let alone I don’t automatically think I’ll give up due to “writer’s block” (aka discouragement since I feel my poetry has gone down hill since New Orleans).  This challenge to devote time and writing to someone, or something has been making me concentrate and focus on my words more than anytime before.

It was great getting to see you and I feel bad I didn’t get to spend more time, but I didn’t realize I could just leave the camera sitting there and socialize.  I didn’t really believe Tim.  Next time for sure, if I don’t take an L.A. day anytime soon.

Without knowing how else to end this session – and with lots of love,
Kayla

Ben Miles,

I adore you.  I enjoy quite a few of your movies, tv shows, etc…

But there’s something about you that describes what Richard has deemed one of my quirks.  My infatuation with handsome middle aged, prematurely greying men.  Maybe it’s the accent, the smile, the grey.

Richard got tired of The Wings Of The Dove, Imagine Me & You, and V For Vendetta – so I’m going through Coupling.

Anyways, I think you’re one of the few people I would be star struck seeing, if I ever had.

There’s really no point to this simple note, it’s merely the fact that I’m watching some of my favorite episodes of Patrick, and Richard is nervous that he may not have that beacon of, well…  Attractiveness.  I think you’re a great actor – quite beautiful, and I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time (because of Patrick).

/fangirl adoration-infatuation,
Kayla

Watching: Coupling

Undeniables,

How do I decide?

Do I push myself to continue with correspondence, though few of my letters are worth the read?  Do I push myself with the unknown, the novel?  Or do I try the poetry aspect, knowing the high probability of me becoming discouraged…  Possibly leading me to quit?

What do I do?

Kayla

Myself-My Feet-Randy,

The first thing he pointed out was the disconnect that radiated from me to him through the lackluster embrace.  Pretty sad I no longer have the skill I used to, to cover up and give someone a warm greeting.  Do I really wear my heart on my sleeve…  That apparently?

Maybe it was because I was still wearing my shoes.

I tend to decide, if not blame, things on the state of my feet.  And I had missed the step of taking off my shoes before walking inside and ordering.

I’ve learned that when I leave my shoes on, I keep my tensions-thoughts-and negativity built up within my body and my head.  But the minute I take off my shoes…  Maybe that simple liberation frees my mind.

So the end of this is to Randy:

I’m terribly sorry for the disconnected, simply spaced out hello.  but thank you for understanding it.  For someone I’ve met about 4 times and spoke to 3 times, you read me well (though it doesn’t seem to be too hard as of late).

Slowly winding down,
Kayla

Heat,

I can’t think.

I can’t write.

Why can’t I escape you?

Quite annoyed,
Kayla

The Undeniables,

Originally this started as a nudge from Narinda.  She suggested that I check this site out and I participate, which I shrugged a little bit (apparently my commitment phobia goes beyond relationships), but after going through different pages and reading different letters, I realized my fears were quite…  Inane.  I finally got the courage to email Edren and present my interest.

I’m quite happy with my decision.

I found that, while not incredibly consistent, I look forward to writing in this.  Whether there is something that simply comes to mind, or something I need to address not only in my head, but to address with words, I feel like I can do it here.  There is a comfort level I have yet to experience with other blogs and journals.

I feel that sometimes, this becomes an entity in my mind I can turn to, run to with ideas, and beyond all else, I can trust this.

I spent my morning treating myself to some episodes of Coupling (UK version), and while some people think it’s a pretty dumb show, I loved it.  Went to another Job interview and had a timing conflict, as it should be.  I knew I was wrong, but they called and cleared it up, so I guess that works.  And presently I’ve sat here at Bob’s condo reuniting myself with some amazing musical loves.  Jason Mraz’s cover of Queen’s “Good Ol’ Fashion Lover Boy” and lots of 90′s music, since I group up on it, and absolutely cherish it.  Besides, if I’m playing this 90′s flashback show, I already know one of the songs I’m covering is The Indigo Girl’s “Least Complicated.”

I’m still in my interview outfit (pinstripe pants, white and black checkered blouse) and trying to find a comfortable way to sit in this room, not only to enjoy the view of the ports and San Pedro, but to put myself in the simple mood of writing.

While there are some little nooks and crannies, little niches for myself, I can’t write here.  Which is quite disappointing.  I guess I can write here, but it never seems like it’s me writing.  I feel as though I take on some elitist pretentious attitude when I end up here and I hate myself like that.  So I lie on wooden floors, walk around the tower not wearing shoes, and find mindless ways to try to humble myself (at least in my mind, because that’s where it all starts anyways, isn’t it?).

I’m stuck in my head a little too much.

What was the point to this?

Oh right, my appreciation and fascination with the Undeniables.  Wow, that was relatively simple.  Now if I can write a couple poems/analysis/essays whatever it may be.  Tonight is the one year anniversary of Soul Fire.  8pm, The Mirage Cafe on Atlantic and Bixby in Long Beach.  Pretty chill, I can’t wait.

Badly dancing to 90s music (the only way you can dance to 90s music,
Kayla

Third Eye Blind – How’s It Going To Be [Third Eye Blind]

Empty notebook,

You present a challenge and a new slate.  I’m glad I’m starting fresh, and hopefully within the next day and a half, having an empty canvas to work on will keep my mind and my pen open.

I can only hope that this trip and job interview will help me see something outside my front door for a change.

Maybe I’ll have something to write about then.

Soon you will be full and with the collection.  But never forgotten.  Just aged, wise, mature – with the hint of immaturity in future years to come.

Lost,
Kayla

Watching: Coupling (UK)