Movement,

I’m sorry for letting you down.

I had this amazing drive and motivation to spread your words and beauty. Your importance and necessity. Your influence on my writing and spoken word was beautiful. Passionate. Moving.

I used to give this speech at open mics, meetings, workshops, and some open forums.

“The foundation of a movement, like the modernist movement, is started with:
1. A War (example – WWI), which moves into
2. This disillusionment of society (example – The Lost Generation), which causes
3. An uprising from the artistic community (example – The Expatriate community)

I wanted to be the next Gertrude Stein. I wanted to recreate literature, essays; I wanted to start something and make history.

I had this drive.

I had this motivation.

But now, I feel alone. No one really cares for you…  Well me speaking about you.

There is something coming. It’s not just something you feel in the wind, you just know. It’s almost here.

I want to be the fuse. All it takes is a fuse.

Right?

Kayla

( Started 11:50pm 06-12-08 )

Insurance business that has gotten under my skin,

I understand that you need to know what’s going on.  Whether I’m enrolled in school or not.  But basically…

IT’S SUMMER.

And yes I know while many of my fellow academic peers are off doing summer sessions at local colleges, waiting for the Fall semester to start, I am not one of them.  I figured the smartest thing would be to try and work as much as I can this summer…  Saving up for the next semester so I don’t have to worry about skipping class ’cause I don’t have gas money.  I don’t want to stress like I did last semester, planning my purchases around holidays and birthdays.  I am enrolled in fall semester.  Yes, Spring semester of 2008 I was originally in 5 classes (equivalent to 15 units, 3 units over what is necessary to be considered a “full time student”) but I only completed 4 classes, and one of them was hardly completed (since I don’t look at a D as completion).  I was hoping not having to show that to my father, let alone my F in Economics (since I just stopped going to the class).  But this semester I am signed up for another set of 5 classes, and though I know you don’t care, I will be completing my undergrad work for my Poli. Sci. major this semester leaving me enough time to take care of GE’s I really don’t want to take, but will…  Not only because I have to to graduate, but because it fills up slots in my schedule, which make me full time and allow me to use your sources).

But just because I want new glasses doesn’t mean I’m going to pay for summer classes with money that I don’t have, and need to earn.

I understand the process, and I know the rules and regulations for the situation.  When I started college I studied your options well.  So until we get this misunderstanding cleared, fuck that.  You better not need an official transcript ’cause I don’t have the gas nor money to drive to and park on campus to get a piece of paper.

AND THIS IS THE CLOUD ON MY DAY.

I was about to make an appointment for an eye exam and a check up with my shitty ass dentist (’cause it’s the best of a group of shit).  If I crash while driving, and can’t get my teeth worked on, nor new glasses…

Fuck yo couch.

Sincerely with respect, frustration, confusion, and honesty,
Kayla

The almighty dollar,

Not to sound like Devin with his status updates on myspace, but geez how I work for you.

At least tonight it’s pretty innocent.  Not so much easy, just legal…  Simple.  L…O…L?

Though I’m not amazing with children, I do like them enough to work on my patience and approach.  These kids are cute and I’m hoping tonight it will be a piece of cake, but I’ll take the challenge.  I want to get better with children.  Not only to babysit more, just for myself.

Maybe give myself hope.

Hope I’m not going to become my mother.

You sir, Mr. Dinero (okane, moolah, green, etc…)  Why are you such a bitch?
Take a hint.  You ruin people’s lives.  Well, while they have some control, not completely.  And you know what, you’re not nearly as powerful as you think you are.  Yes that’s right!  I’m calling you out…  Legal Tender!!!!  HA!

You’re not worth anything but a thought in theory in the back of the minds of the federal reserve.  When we consider you, your worth and power, it’s what you used to be!  Generations ago.

Get rid of the ego.

I’m sick of it.

You were hardly enough in Canada.  How do you feel now?

Staring at an empty tank,
Kayla

Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie – “A Movie Script Ending” [The Photo Album]

Icaboni Library,

Thank you.

You’ve inspired me to get my ass back into gear and start reading again.  You don’t have an amazing selection of poetry, which is what I was hoping to start with…  But in looking for Ginsberg, I found Bukowski, Kerouac (though I own those), Stein, some Creeley, and some Frost (though not terribly fond, I would give a second chance).

It’s been too long since I’ve been back, and now you’re starting to look like my library on campus (which I still have books for and forgot to return >8/)

And now that you have wi-fi, I don’t have to sit at some pretentious coffee house, waiting for another one to open up or have parking.  I don’t have to spend money I don’t have to enjoy internet and a book.  I quite like the air conditioning and the quiet, though I would love to be able to drink a tea, it’s a sacrifice that’s worth it.  I missed sitting in your carpeted rows and aisles, lost in books and pages that had yet to be opened.

There’s something magical about you.
I used to run through your aisles of your young adult section, thinking I was the bees knees, ’cause I was seven years old reading these books meant for middle and high school students.  Coming back to you twelve years later has been awkward, curious, intimidating, and in the end – satisfying.

You were one of the first places I felt acceptance.  One of the first places I felt home.  I used to sit on the bus and ride from my house to the library when my parents had to work on weekend, and read books all day, getting picked at closing with a new read.

Hopefully, that stamina and excitement will come back to me.  Though still a book worm at heart, the pace is no longer there.

Maybe it’s because I’m not reading books at the speed of the notches on my bed post, but I’ve come to find myself analyzing and appreciating your pieces of literature.  I’ve matured not just within you, but because of you.

I’ll be back soon.  If I don’t finish my books sooner, I’ll be back June 30th to renew them.

Cherishing your gifts and papercuts,
Kayla

Listening to: The Yardbirds – “23 Hours Too Long” [Yardbirds Story: 1963-66]

Writing,

Gayle,

Watching: Harvey Birdman Attorney At Law

Amazing lips I’ve dreamt of for a week and a half,

God I miss you.

Nothing can ever compare.

Longingly,
Kayla

Watching: The Boondocks “Garden Party”

Dad,

I know you worry about me.  But I worry about you.  I worry about mom, then the rest of the family, my friends, legislation, music, the government, society, then myself.

I know you are worried about my health, but other than my weight I’m doing alright.  Well, for what I tell you.  You think I’m anemic.  I tell you I’m basically just tired because I’m out late and don’t get a lot of sleep in the morning.  There’s nothing wrong with naps, right?  Wrong.

The fact is, is that I am stressed.  Depressed.  I don’t want to get help, because I know that I’ll just go against the help and counseling itself.  Each day I fall deeper into my depression, the worse I get and look, and you know.  You know something is wrong, but I don’t tell you something is wrong.  I can’t.  It’s so hard for you to do things right now with your knee and back out, I can’t add to your problems and pains.

You point out that my hair is falling out a lot more than it should be.  I tell you that I brush my hair when I’m sitting on the couch and forget to clean it up.  Now I just wear beanies whenever I’m around you or in the living room, so my hair doesn’t fall anywhere, and so you don’t see my bald spots.  The fact is, is that I pull my hair out, when I’m stressed about you, myself, money, school, etc.  Maybe it’s just an issue with stress.  Hopefully.

You point out that my skin is getting worse, and I say that it’s the heat, birth control, or lack of quality sleep.  Because though I sleep a lot, it’s not great nor consistent.  Other than my skin being bad normally, I just tend to wear my heart on my face, more so than my sleeve.  And I don’t wear make up, so I can’t really cover anything up.

The point I’m making is that though I know you worry, and I want you to stop.  I’ll be alright.  It’s been really hard getting things back on track after all the nonsense with mom, and with Pablo.  Though I work hard to make it look like it didn’t affect me, it really did.  And you knew.  And you welcomed me home with warm arms, though you acted apathetic and superior, knowing I had hit my lowest low.

Anyways, I guess I’m just trying to get this all out now, my confessions and my tears before I finish up some errands.  I don’t want you to see me like this, because I can’t keep lying to you, but I’m not ready to talk to you.

Give it time.

I’ll get better, and then we’ll talk.

Tired and rushing,
Kayla

Listening to: India.Arie – Strength, Courage & Wisdom (remix) [Acoustic Soul]

P.S. – Sorry for yelling at you.  I just really hate some of your friends.

New glasses,

I like you.  I might love you.

Right now I’m my Clark Kent persona – Kayla Crow; but when I switch, I’ll be that Superman persona – Mushroom Tea.

Anyways.

You’re cute.  <333

Adoringly,
Kayla

Listening to: Matt Spinning

Love,

I thought I knew you.

At one point or another I knew that you were there, and yet I let you slip past my fingertips.

I try to find you in every place possible; missing you hurts more each day.  I see now it’s not loneliness.  It’s not the fact that it’s wedding season, and I had to see Sex and the City with Lena today (I promised I would take her for her b-day).

I miss the completion.
I miss familiar intimacy.
I long for simple and beautiful romance.

I had it once.  But I was young and I don’t believe that I could truly appreciate it.  Engaged at 16 is young.  Quite young.

I’ll figure this out some day, some night.

Every time I look over at Lena, I can’t help but remember my infatuation, my love, and my undying need for her presence.  Why did we part?  Why do we keep coming back?

With headphones on – trying not to stare at her sleeping form,
Kayla

Watching: The Boondocks